Roaccutane update: de laatste maanden! (7+8)

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Mijn hoop bleef net zo hardnekkig als mijn Rosacea. Je zou denken dat ik na al die maanden wel beter zou weten, maar ook de maand waarvan ik dacht dat het écht mijn laatste zou zijn, werd dat dus niet. Op de dag van mijn reguliere check werd mijn dermatoloog ziek, waardoor ik een week later en in een ander dorp pas op de poli terecht kon. Ik wilde gewoon zó graag dat het daarna over zou zijn: de plannen voor de eerste feestjes had ik al gesmeed.

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De stand van zaken aan het begin van maand 7

Er op of er onder

Want mijn huid zag er al zó veel beter uit. Bijna goed, maar toch niet helemaal. De boel was de afgelopen maand al rustiger dan ooit tevoren, maar om echt te mogen stoppen moet je minimaal 2 maanden overwegend clean zijn qua krokantheid. Stop je na 1 maand waarin je huid rustig is, dan is de kans van succes 90%. Plak je er een maand aan vast? Dan krijg je er 5 succesprocenten bij. Het is daarmee behoorlijk er op of er onder. En hoe klaar ik er ook mee was, dat 95%-scenario klonk me toch wat beter in de oren. Mijn cumulatieve dosis was al bereikt, maar toch moest ik nog even door. And so I did.

Dit was overigens wel mijn laatste afspraak: ik maakte deze maand af en hoefde daarna niet nóg een keer op bezoek om de boel af te ronden. Nog wel 1 laatste zwangerschapstest volgens protocol, en dat ‘was het dan’. Nog 1 maand doorbijten, dubbel zien, vermoeid zijn, down, uitgedroogd en ‘er echt wel klaar mee’ zijn.

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Just another bloedneus

En toen ging het goed fout

Er ging nog even iets mis. En dat was volledig mijn eigen schuld. Want zoals gewoonlijk hadden mijn arts en ik de dosis besproken. De dosis die hetzelfde bleef als voorheen en welke ik desgewenst ook mocht verlagen, als de droogte van mijn huid en hoornvlies écht niet meer te doen zouden zijn. Zo gezegd, zo gedaan. Het gaf een veilig gevoel.

Maar de stuntpiloot in mij werd baldadig en in de bus naar huis bedacht ik me dat ik dan ook de dosis wel kon verhógen, zodat ik toch een dag of 10 eerder van al dit gemekker af zou zijn. Eindsprintjes waren altijd wel mijn ding, dus gooide ik die avec bravoure hier ook nog even in the mix. En dat hield ik precies 6 dagen vol.

Me to me: “Lekker gewerkt, pikkie.”

Waarom je arts het meestal beter weet

Mijn dosis van de laatste maanden was 30mg per dag (gebaseerd op de staat van mijn huid, lengte, gewicht en bloedtesten), welke ik dus mocht verlagen naar 20mg. Ik bracht hem echter naar 40mg, want hoeveel verschil zou die 10mg nou kunnen maken?

Nou, een hoop. Een hele, héle pijnlijke hoop. Na 2 dagen (!) de hogere dosis te hebben genomen, scheurde mijn huid zelfs door het contact met de bolle kant van een lepel al open. Mijn gezicht schilferde alle kanten op, mijn wenkbrauwharen vielen bij bosjes uit, ik werd grieperig en was zo moe dat ik vrij weinig meer kon. Toch kon ik dat opzich nog wel hebben; het einde was immers in zicht. Maar waar ik níét omheen kon werken, was wat er in mijn hoofd gebeurde. Ik herkende direct de depressiviteit die ik de eerste 4 maanden heb ervaren en dat was voor mij the red fucking flag. Dit gevoel was de tijdswinst niet waard. Beetje doorbijten? Uitdaging aanvaard. Maar op het mentale vlak ging het echt te ver.

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Met mijn staart tussen mijn benen

Dus schroefde ik de dosis als de sodemieter terug en na een week was alles weer ‘stabiel’ (lees: stabiel kut, mijn baseline van de laatste maanden).

Door dit eigenhandige geklooi was deze finalemaand misschien nog wel het zwaarst, maar toch had ik voor geen goud eerder willen stoppen. Het succes van de kuur valt of staat echt met volhouden en ik ben zo blij dat ik heb doorgezet. Dat is dan ook echt mijn advies voor iedereen die het onderweg niet meer trekt: ben je begonnen? Maak het dan ook af. [Tenzij het écht niet anders kan. Complicaties in de vorm van serieuze blessures, ondraaglijke migraine of psychische problemen bijvoorbeeld. Negeer dat vooral niet.]

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Je lichaam is sterker dan jíj denkt

Maar vaak, wanneer je denkt dat je het echt niet meer trekt, kun je toch nog even door. Je bent tot vrij intense dingen in staat en hoe grimmig je je soms ook voelt, wat zelfs met het naderende einde van de kuur erger lijkt te worden: je kunt het. Echt.

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Wallen tot mijn knieën, maar het bewegen hield me op de been
roaccutane isotretinoine rosacea eczeem
Altijd en overal mijn droge ogen tot leven wekken met druppels.
Hier hield Sebas een oogje in het zeil

Toen mijn laatste pillen er op (of eigenlijk, in) zaten, mocht ik stoppen. Ik hoefde niks af te bouwen, geen dosis meer te verlagen. Gewoon de laatste pillen er in en de ellende was achter de kiezen. Mijn dermatoloog vond het niet nodig om nóg een keer alles te checken, dus de laatste bloed- en zwangerschapstest waren vorige maand. We sloten toen af met de afspraak dat alles nu in principe herstelt, bijtrekt en misschien zelfs nog iets beter wordt. Maar 100% garantie is er niet. Het zal altijd een kwestie van aankijken blijven om te zien hoe mijn huid zich vanaf nu gaat gedragen.

Gelukkig drukte mijn dok me op het hart dat ik altijd terug mag komen wanneer mijn huid weer rare fratsen uit gaat halen. Het duurt nog minimaal een maand voordat het medicijn niet meer in mijn lijf zit, dus halverwege juni ben ik hopelijk weer redelijk ‘de oude’.

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Back to normal

Op 5 mei nam ik de laatste pillen, 9 mei dronk in weer mijn eerste glazen alcohol. De laatste drankjes waren meer dan een jaar geleden en hoewel ik huiverig was voor schering en inslag, viel het allemaal reuze mee. De eerste kater was vrij majestueus van omvang, maar de dagen er na vormde dat geen probleem meer. Hiermee wil ik drankgebruik niet aanmoedigen, maar je wel op je hart drukken dat je, wanneer je je braaf hebt onthouden gedurende de kuur en daarna weer op een wijs moment begint (dus niet een uur na je laatste pillen, maar gewoon rustig een paar dagen daarna – gelet op de halfwaardetijd van het spul) je niet gelijk in een delirium belandt. Je lichaam is heel veerkrachtig zolang je er goed voor zorgt en zonder de roaccutane herstelt het hoogstwaarschijnlijk vanzelf 🙂

The end, but not really

Dat was hem, de laatste update on drugs! Maar het stopt hier natuurlijk niet. Ik zal blijven bijhouden hoe mijn huid zich gedraagt zonder de medicijnen en ook ben ik me aan het verdiepen in de huid an sich. Iets waar ik tijdens de kuur geen puf voor of zin in had, maar wat ik steeds boeiender vind. Houd mijn blog voor het vervolg dus vooral in de gaten. Voor nu wil ik je gewoon vet bedanken voor het lezen en meeleven gedurende al deze maanden. Jullie berichtjes, herkenning en begrip maakten alles zó veel draaglijker. Until the next one!

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